Divorce is Painful

"And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?" (Matthew 19:5, King James version)

When I married at the age of twenty-two, I never understood the significant of that verse. Neither did I remain loyal to my vows during my first marriage.

I sat at my desk in a corporate office over twenty-five years ago, trying to determine what would an appropriate mark-up for one of the company's new agrochemicals. In my an exciting marketing mood, I evaluated various ideas and contemplated how I would defeat the competition. My concentration was interrupted by a telephone call at 10 am that day. I answered in a polite and dignified business voice. I thought I recognized the female voice and to be sure of myself, I said hello. The voice was my ex-wife who told me that she would not be at home.

" Where are you going?" I asked
" I just will not be at home anymore". She said

With haste I placed the telephone in its cradle and hurried through the office door without indicating to anyone of my staff members that I was leaving the office. I reached my house, which obviously was no longer a home. I saw evidence of a firm separation of the family. The bedroom was empty of her clothes, cutlery was reduced, leaving the bare essentials and some pieces of furniture was taken. The harsh reality had hit me. As I sat at the entrance to the living-room, tears race down my cheeks and I felt an emotional pain in my stomach. Then I realized that I was in love but did not cherish the lady whom I had married. A significant part of the flesh, that oneness had withered.

The years following was not easy. My mind became filled of the beautiful times we spent together. The recovery was painful and I became uncertain as to what I really wanted I my life. When the divorce was final, I knew I had to get on with my life. These are lessons I learned form the pain of divorce:

• Marriage is not to be taken likely.
• A matured mind is required for the responsibilities of marriage.
• Women appear to be more serious and committed to marriage than men. Men are late developers in the marriage institution.
  
• More than love is needed for marriage.
• It takes a long time to overcome a divorce.
• Be willing to admit your weaknesses and learn.
• See your former relationship as an passing experience.
  
• Avoid making the same mistakes in a new relationship.
• Take no baggage into the new relationship
• Divorce is simply a heart wrenching situation as should be avoided. Never place yourself in a position for a divorce.
  

The Characteristics of a Good Wife

I apologize to my readers for the lateness of this post on the qualities of a good wife, having written a post on the good husband many moons ago, I simply needed to conjure up in my mind the thoughts to enable me to highlight those qualities.

Before I declare my thoughts , I must refer to Aristotle's philosophical position of the circumstance that could create to opposite of a good wife. He opines that

A virtuous wife is best honored when she sees that her husband is faithful to her, and has no preference for another woman; but before all others loves and trusts her and holds her as his own. And so much the more will the woman seek to be what he accounts her. If she perceives that her husband's affection for her is faithful and righteous, she too will be faithful and righteous towards him. Therefore it befits not a man of sound mind to bestow his person promiscuously, or have random intercourse with women; for otherwise the base-born will share in the rights of his lawful children, and his wife will be robbed of her honor due, and shame be attached to his sons.
(The Politics & Economics of Aristotle, Edward English Walford & John Gillies, trans., (London: G. Bell & Sons, 1908).

My thoughts are as follows:

• A good wife is not a "yes" woman who agrees to everything or succumb to her husband's wishes just to please him or avoid a quarrel, but rather seeks to discuss the issues and find workable solutions that would allow her to manage the home better.
• A good wife is not commanding or demanding, but is persuasive in her actions to suggest succinctly what she requires her husband to do. She does not fret.
• A good wife engages her husband in conversations which informs her about his job, his friends, his favorite sport, his hobby and his troubles. No, she in not officious, but seeks to know what is going on in her husband's life. She does not distance herself.
• Proverbs 14:1 gives another dimension to what makes a good wife. Yes, a good wife seeks spiritual guidance.
  
• A good wife is a loving parent.
• A good wife has a sense of humor.
  
• A good wife is a satisfying lover who is not afraid to express her emotions to her husband.

If I have omitted a vital characteristic, drop me your comments for the many wives who read this blog . We need to know.

Sharing the Marriage Debt

There was a time when the husband was the bread winner in the missionary, lost and Gi generations, but since women asserted themselves influenced by the feminist movement and the call for equal rights among some of the Baby Boomers and certainly the Generation X, the role of the wife has changed. The working mun and the professional woman has emerged and are demanding equality in the home and their independence. Some husbands cannot handle the sharing of authority and responsibility. Conversely, some husbands are also insisting that burden of house responsibilities, especially in the area of finance should not be placed on their shoulders alone. How does this thinking affect the marriage?.

Let us discuss the financial management of the marriage and the family. There is a misconception that love will keep a marriage bonded. Oh yea! Among the Baby Boomers who have redefine old age, accept change and are anti-authority, such thinking is outdated.The Generation X who accept diversity, reject rules and who are users of technology have taken time to develop their careers by delaying marriage. Therefore, the love only thing will not cut it, given the lifestyle of this group. Hence, financial management and decision-making become key features in the marriage.

What then is the best way of dealing with the financial issues of the marriage? Here are some ideas:

1. Discuss whether there will be a joint bank account. Some persons may want to maintain a level of independence within the marriage and may accept the idea of a joint-account, but keep his or her separate account while making contribution to the joint account. The joint- account should be used a saving account to finance mortages, house repairs, groceries, travel, children education, medical and emergencies.
   
2. Know what is the total income of the family, as this would allow the pursuance of large projects, for example the purchasing of real estate.
3. Each partner needs to establish a budget and determine what each will contribute to the joint account. Equal amounts could be made, if salaries are on par; but where there is disparity, a formula could be used, for example if the either partner is earning 60% of the family income, then that partner could contribute 60% of the agreed monthy savings for the joint account and the other 40%.
   
4. Determine who pay what utility bills.
5. The grocery bill should result from a decision on what sum should be spent. This could be an expense paid from the joint-account, or the partner who earns the most takes this responsiblity, with the other partner handling the incidentals.
   
6. Discuss all finacial matters.

Once the above guidelines are accepted the marriage should be on a strong financial footing and right on track for a lasting marital relationship.

Have fun at the table.

The Staleness of Marriage

Can marriage engender a feeling of ennui and become stale? I believe it can and when it happens one must dig deep in one's resolve to find a way out. But what causes boredom in marriage or even leads to a depressed state of mind? I sense that it begins when the marriage is taken for granted and the things and activities which one once shared and enjoyed are dissipating with the realization that eventually those very things and activities will be no more. It is then one becomes bore and frustrated. It is at this point that the marriage thread is at its weakest and either partner can become vulnerable.

Boredom in marriage also occurs when one partner thinks that everything is alright and feels comfortable without contemplating that the other partner needs his or her undivided attention. Surprisingly, that partner becomes lonely inside the marriage. Yes, marriages do go through some emotional tensions that can be worrisome to either partner. It takes a keen observer with the emotional intelligence to spot when something is wrong and search the soul of their partner to understand what is going on. One must hear the cry for help before its too late.

Communication now becomes the key to unlocking that introverted type personality in one's partner. A husband and a wife must always talk with each other and express their innermost feelings. Real communication occurs when the message sent by the emotional distraught partner is received and sensitivity exhibited by receiving partner in dealing with the emotions of one's better half.

To the readers of this blog, be aware that a marriage can easily become stale and boring. The funny thing about it is that some couples do not realise when complacency has taken over a marriage. Here are a few signs:

• When television replaces lively conversations between husband and wife.
• When one partner suddenly spends more time with friends or find refuge in the neighbour's home.
• When the activities one shared cease to exist or are minimized.
• When the wife bedroom apparel is unappealing.
• When the husband fails to romance his wife.
  
• When one partner becomes bored and cannot decide what to do.
• When drinking or smoking becomes intense
• When one partner splurges.
• When no one cares.
  

Be observant and show more than a cursory interest to your partner's behaviour and be quick to rid your marriage of any staleness that creeps in from time to time. Keep the flame burning.

Prayer and Marriage

There is no doubt the marriage is a significant institution which must not be taken lightly. Hebrews 13: 4-5 (NIV):
⁴Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. ⁵Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."

Verse 5 suggests to all married couples that they must put their trust in the Almighty to help them overcome the difficulties in their marriage.

My wife and I pray together very often, especially early in the morning. In those quiet times when we kneel on either side of the bed and face each other, I begin to feel a strengthening of the bond of our love as we raise our voices to the Heavenly Father. We pray for almost every thing. We simply ask God for the simple things according to our needs and wait patiently for his instructions.We first thank God for allowing us to rise and experience the beginning of our lives together for that day and for the safe return to our home, when the day's work is done. It is a wonderful feeling to embrace each other after prayers. We actually feel God's blessings on our marriage.

So what is the result? Disagreements are settled amicably and we never go to bed vexed. There is a great sense of peace and joy in our partnership. We have found that with God's help and support we are able to rid ourselves of the anxiety and temptations. Commitment and loyalty enhance what our rings symbolize, as a result we wear our rings with pride to signify that loyalty, commitment and love.

A marriage needs prayers and the discernment to engender the spiritual dimension of a lasting relationship. That spirituality also creates a sense of purpose, which unintentionally makes us role models to our friends and family members who see our marriage as successful. What's the secret? There is no secret, there is a formula in the equation of a peaceful and joyous marriage:

God + husband+wife = Loving marriage
G+H=W=LM

Mark 11:23-25 (NIV) advises us how we should pray and the results of praying:
²³"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. ²⁴Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. ²⁵And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

I can testify that pray really works in building a lasting relationship in one's marriage.

Try it.

Mother-in-law, the Sin of a Happy Marriage

While I have never experienced the indignity of a mother-in-law, there are many married couples who have been bothered by such an experience. The many quotations suggest that the mother-in-law is as an inherited challenge. The Japanese warn that married couples should "never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of the mother-in-law." H.L.Mencken (1880-1956) informs that "conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends." and Ernest Coquelin declares that " I know of a mother-in-law who sleeps with her glasses on, the better to see her son-in-law in her dreams." These excerpts speaks of mothers-in-law as an unwanted species.

I believe that a mother-in-law sees her son or daughter as their "baby" who has been given to someone she does not entirely know, someone whose word will be taken before hers and in some cases she will be the third party to know what is going with her son or daughter, hence the inquisitiveness. Therefore, mothers-in-law clutch on to any opportunity to be an influencing factor in an apparent forbidden situation.

To avoid the interference of mothers-in-law, I believe that at the planning stages of the wedding mothers should not be foremost in the planning process or advisors, but should be required only when needed. When mothers are called on to be the decision-makers, it is an invitation for them to be forthright and to involve themselves in every aspect of the marriage. No son or daughter at this stage should show such low levels of immaturity to allow and yield to mother's directives. If situations like this occurs, them Mencken's words are apt.

Mothers-in-law do not have to be the sin of a marriage. Keep your mother-in-law out of your marital affairs. Involve them only when necessary. If you do this your will be able to welcome the smile of your mother-in-law and no repeat the words of the anonymous person "happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's picture on the back on the milk carton.

The Obama Marriage Principle

The Obamas' marriage principle in this blog defines the happiness of a married couple and speaks volumes about a satisfied relationship between a man and woman. Even in public, the bliss of marriage is exemplified. It is this aura that all marriages should reflex. It is that character that becomes the trade mark by which friends, family and acquantances admire and try to imitate.

To achieve the Obamas marriage principle one must first hold fast to the vows taken no matter what and have respect for each other in public. Therefore, a matter that creates differences of opinion should not be turned into a public spectacle that brings shame to the family. Wait until you reach home and deal with the matter. Always exhibit a sense of decorum in public. Chauvinism must never be hinted by the husband, but rather an exhibition of the social graces that make the wife proud to be treated as nothing less than a lady.

The holding of hands in public expresses the warmth of the union. When a husband or wife walks way ahead of each other, it depicts some element of discord in their relationship, regardless of how slight is the discord. The closeness of being side by side engenders cordial conversations, jovial behaviour and a mood that speaks to the high level of comfort felt in each other's presence. All of this augurs well for a lasting marriage.

Enjoy each other's company in public. Have fun!

Marriage Starts Every Morning

The kiss on the wedding day is believed to be the point at which your souls are connected - the two becoming one.

As a husband, I find that marriage begins each morning. What happened last night has nothing to do with the new day, for example a husband and wife go to bed in a state of estacy and as soon as they step out of bed, there is something in the house that trips them off. The husband forgot a dirty cup in the sink the night before and draws the response " what's wrong with you". The furore begins and in the indignation she does not stop to think about the love affair last night. That was expected.

My friends, before you put your feet on the floor the morning after. Kiss your wife on her eyelids and whisper in her ears how much you love here. Give her a love slap, you know where. Let her interpret what that was all about. The dirty cup in the sink will draw the response "only my husband" and the shaking of the head in a pitiable manner. You may want to apologize, if your action or habit is drawn to your attention. Remember that your wife is the tender soul, the affectionate part of you and must be treated with kindness.

Take time out to make your wife's breakfast or have a breakfast date and do not leave without giving her a kiss and wishing her a good day. In this mood, as you drive to work you will observe the bougainvillea in bloom. Strange how a man's world becomes meaningful, when he pays attention to the flower in his life.

Marriage needs a booster each new day.

Kissing, The Marriage Enchancer

Kissing is in a marriage is like spreading margarine on one's bread to moisten and make it taste better. There are many reasons why people kiss. people kiss to greet, to pay respect, and to bid farewell. People kiss on the hand, the cheeks and the lips. Russians kiss three times, Italians kiss twice and Mexican once when greeting each other. However, kissing in the marital situation symbolizes a greater measure of affection. On the wedding day, the bride and groom kiss not to uphold the western culture of weddings, but to exchange their souls, so it is thought. The two should become one.

The French kiss, which is a passionate pressing of the lips and the caressing of the tongues expresses a sexual desire. Some believe that the frequency of kissing in a marital relationship reduces stress, increases satisfaction and surprisingly lowers the cholesterol levels. From this perspective, kissing is definitely a practice married couple should strive for and increase the frequency level. Kissing is one of those marital activities that will certainly enchance the marriage, moisten it and make things taste better.

For further information of the French style of kissing check out http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss.

When Children are Obstacles to a Marriage

Young marriages are usually exciting and blissful and should remain that way. Marriage is also the ideal institution for establishing a family. The truth is, some couples see children as an inconvenience to their sexual relationship and their careers and would do everything possible to delay any addition(s). Therefore in this scenario, a child is viewed as an obstacle and the second a disaster, which ultimately leads to the marital foundation showing cracks from emotional stress. Emotional stress results when either partner or both begin to conjure up thoughts in the mind of how he or she will now survive and not live life.

On the other hand, those partners who view marriage as the corners stone of enhancing the family will be overjoyed at the announcement of a pregnancy. The love is now extended unselfishly to the new born. There is no emotional stress because the new born is seen as a gift and a fruit of marriage. Children in this scenario are not an inconvenience or an obstacle, but rather a purpose for bonding the marriage and enhancing the relationship.

If you are in your second marriage and over 40 years old, a child may be an interesting proposition. Therefore, partners in this situation need to communicate their feelings on any additions to the family, but what happens if a child is on its way when plans for retirement are in trend. There are some biological facts concerning partners who are thinking of having a baby at the age of 40 and older. The Southern California Centre for Reproductive Medicine states that "Estimates from embryo biopsy reveal that at least 90% of a woman’s eggs are genetically abnormal when a woman is over 40. This is explains the increased pregnancy risk over 40. The miscarriage rate is 33% at age 40. Genetically abnormal pregnancies are more common as well with an incidence of 1/38 at age 40." If you are 40 and over, think carefully. Consult your doctor and have the various test done.

Does a child hinder or enhance your marriage?

The bliss of marriage and lead a new born. If you begin to think your baby as an inconvenience then you

The Significance of the Wedding Ring

It is believed that the wedding ring dates back to the time of the Egyptians and was later adopted by the Greeks and Romans. However, in the eleventh century the wedding ring received significant ecclesiastical sanction, eventhough there is no reference to it in the Bible.

And what about the the placement of the ring on the third finger of the left hand? This practice is the result of the Egyptians believing that there was a vein called the amoris that led from the third finger to the heart. There is no such vein, but the thought of being committed in the heart is a noble marital ideal.

The wedding ring symbolizes a partnership that cannot be broken,one of endlessness. Married couples should wear their ring with love and pride, and not for adornment to show off to the world. Remember that marriage is practised in the home where each partner demostrates committment, support and love.