The Financial Aspect of Marriage

No money, no love!
Not a surprising statement if your marriage is not on a sound financial basis. No marriage can exist on strictly love and sex. Although love is a key corner stone of the institution, matters of finance must be addressed in a serious manner. It's a partnership and there must be decision-making relating to who pays what. A marriage is similar to a business, it must be financed, if the partners are to enjoy the comforts and live without bickering about who is irresponsible. What should be done?

• Sit down at the table and prepare individual budgets and together discuss each line item in the individual budgets.
• Determine which bills should be paid by whom.
• Major investments must be carefully discussed, e.g. mortgage - probably go 50/50 on this investment, with compromises on the other bills.
• Have a partnership account for handling emergencies, repairs or vacations - 50/50 monthly contributions are ideal.
• There is nothing wrong with separate bank accounts, but be prepared to give information when necessary. If you know that you do not want to reveal financial information, marriage is not for you. Hesitation will definitely create issues of trust.
  

These basic approaches to home management will guarantee both partners a comfortable relationship without the worry and fighting that is likely to enter the marriage.
A strong financial partnership paves the way for love.

The Foolishness of Sex in Marriage

Cheating and Your Marriage

To be sexually unfaithful is probably the only reasonable action for a man or a woman, when a marriage is in shambles. It is not. Your are cheating on your partner and no excuse can explain your action. The fact is that the animal instinct in you have become more eminent than rational thinking and you are prone to becomes sexually attracted to another person.

The process of cheating is as follows:

1. Flirting
2. Fantasizing
3. Marking the approach
4. Arranging a date
5. Committing adultery
   
6. Formulating an excuse

Flirting is showing a third party outside the marital relationship a casual interest, though amorously, the intent at this stage is superficial. If your flirtatious behaviour continues fantasizing grips you and you begin to think of the person's sexual attributes. To get closer to the third person you take the initiative and make the approach ever growing deeper in infatuation and building enough confidence to arrange the date. This date sets the atmosphere for the dangerous act of committing adultery. The dice is cast and you begin to formulate the most reasonable excuse to explain your action should you be caught. In most cases you are suspected and then caught. Now a decision has to be made by the innocent partner, that is to forgive or end the relationship.

Can the marriage last, given the deceitful action of the offending partner? Yes it can, but remember your partner will suffer the pain for a long time. You must admit that your action was inconsiderate and ask to be forgiven, but understand that the memories of your infidelity will not be erased by the innocent because you have admitted your fault. There will be flashbacks and trauma. Being the offending partner you must be patient.

How to avoid cheating

• To avoid the act of adultery, simply do not flirt with your work colleague, friend or stranger or encourage it.
  
• Always mention some positive aspect of your marriage or partner in conversations at work or in any social setting
• Do not discuss issues of your marriage with the opposite sex whether at work or in a social setting.
• Avoid going to places alone in which the atmosphere provides a romanic setting.

Say something nice about your wife or husband today.

Are you the right person for your mate?

Are you the right person for your mate? If you are asking this question now in your marriage, you may be a bit too late.

The question of compatibility is a valid one, which dates back to the Bible under the concept of "evenly yoked". How do you know that you and your partner are evenly yoked? Is it a matter of marrying a person with the same religious beliefs? In the real world there are couples who met each other while worshiping in the same church got married in the same church and got divorce through the judicial system. One that other hand, there are situations where one person is a member of a church and the other is a non-member and their married is working well. There are situations where some "non-church goers" have bad marriages and other in this group have good marriages. So where's the beef!

I my opinion its is not about who is in the church, surely this will help couples to establish the foundation for a good marriage, if both partners adhere to the Christian principles. I believe that the essence of compatibility is simple living with your partner in a relationship without too many disagreements, that is, being on the same page. You are compatible when these things occur continuously"

• You laugh at the same things and yourselves
  
• There is agreement, without coercion, on payment of the bills, saving, spending and other financial issues.
• Decision-making is a consequence of amicable discussion and compromise and not quarrel.
• The shortcomings of one partner is strengthened by the other.
  
• Honesty predominates all facets of the relationship.
• Illness is not seen as an inconvenience by one partner, but as an opportunity to show one's affection.
• Vacations are planned to re-energize the relationship.
• Sex is an enjoyable experience and not a obligation.
• Children are the responsibility of both and a hindrance of one.
• Worship is practised by both.
• A partner's space is allowed.

You will never know of your compatibility status by reading your horoscope or doing some compatibility test. The evidence of a compatibility match is revealed at the time of courtship and in the first year of marriage, which may be too late. Marriage is not an institution to be hastily pursued.

Divorce Ain't Cutting it!

I have heard many men expressed the idea the marriage should be a five-year contract and renewable, if so desired. It seems as thought these few individuals would seek to create a movement to have a national referendum for a five-year marriage contract. Is it that the bliss evaporates after a period of five years?

Divorce is defined as a final legal dissolution of a marriage, that is, that
separation of husband and wife which confers on the parties the right to remarriage under civil, religious and/or other provisions, according to the laws of each country (UN Demographics Yearbook 2006). The termination of a marriage is simply divorce, which is gaining popularity. In the University of Maryland's graph below the trend shows that since the 1950s the divorce activity continues to rise in the USA, while marriages for the same period continue to decline.

Country	Divorce Rate (per 1,000 population per year)
Maldives Guam Belarus Russia United States Ukraine Puerto Rico Cuba Estonia Czech Republic Lithuania Switzerland Finland Denmark Moldova New Zealand United Kingdom Australia Belgium Latvia Sweden Austria Hungary Kazakhstan Germany Luxembourg Canada Norway South Korea Netherlands Costa Rica Uruguay France Hong Kong Japan Portugal Iceland Cyprus Slovakia Kuwait Israel Romania Bahamas Singapore Bahrein Bulgaria Kyrgyzstan Surinam Jordan Barbados Egypt Dominican Republic Poland Slovenia Turkmenistan Tunisia Trinidad and Tobago Qatar Greece Yugoslavia Spain Thailand Mauritius United Arab Emirates South Africa Croatia Venezuela China Ecuador Syria Brunei Macedonia Azerbaijan Iran Macau SAR Panama Uzbekistan Italy Albania Brazil Belize Jamaica Turkey El Salvador Mexico Chile Bosnia and Herzegovina Georgia Mongolia Armenia Libya Sri Lanka Guatemala	10.97 4.34 4.3 4.3 4.1 4 3.82 3.54 3.1 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.7 2.7 2.7 2.65 2.6 2.6 2.6 2.6 2.4 2.4 2.4 2.35 2.3 2.3 2.28 2.2 2.12 2.1 2.04 2.01 2 1.96 1.92 1.9 1.9 1.7 1.7 1.58 1.56 1.4 1.37 1.31 1.31 1.3 1.3 1.23 1.22 1.21 1.18 1.17 1.1 1.1 1.1 1.04 1 0.97 0.9 0.9 0.9 0.9 0.87 0.87 0.81 0.8 0.79 0.79 0.73 0.73 0.72 0.7 0.7 0.69 0.65 0.65 0.61 0.6 0.6 0.6 0.58 0.55 0.5 0.49 0.48 0.42 0.4 0.4 0.38 0.3 0.24 0.15 0.13
(Source: Americans for Divorce Reform)

The above 2002 data taken from Divorce Magazine.com (http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsWorld.shtml) show that the divorce disease is everywhere. What then are the causes?

Many marriages terminate as a result of the following:

• Failure to communication on issues and problem
• Various form of abuse-domestic violence, drugs and alcohol
• Marital infidelity
• Sexual problems
• Financial issue
  
• incompatibility
• trouble with in laws (monster-in-law)
• different opinions
• religious belief
• issues relating to children
• falling out of love

If your marriage is bothered by any of the above, take action by first discussing the problem or issue. if there is no resolution seek a reliable third party's involvement. Reconciliation may take time and forgiveness is necessary.

Take care.

How do you know divorce is coming your way?

				b
				Divorce Rates: International Comparisons

Shopping with My Wife

Many men would dread the idea or the possibility to go shopping with their wives on a vacation. For some it engenders ennui that makes them feel to shop for themselves is a painful experience. Let's face it, women are extraordinary in their shopping habits and practices. For instance, a woman would enter a shop at one end of a mall to purchase a blouse and find one that fits, it is the style she wants, and the right price; but will proceed until she reaches the upper end entering each shop along the way inspecting various styles with intent. Then she makes her mind up and returns to the shop at the lower end and purchases the blouse, which she saw first. That whole expedition would probably take two hours. But that's not what she came to the mall for!

Men on the other hand, sees what he likes and makes the purchase. His energy is conserved, but he pays more.

As a husband, you must have the guts to shop with your wife and make no comments, even if it takes hours to look for Ross and stand in the isle tired holding her hand bag looking like a tire old lady. So where is the joy, if any!

Despite all the fatigue, I still find shopping with my wife a heartwarming experience, which cements the bond between us. You see, I am participating in what she likes to do best and in a strange way spending quality time with hers. I have given up what I like doing on an overseas vacations, that is drinking beer and enjoying a good movie to be the sounding board for her. What's more I admire her when she tries on a dress or a pair of pants and calls me to watch her model the potential purchase outside the fitting rooms. Sometimes there are disagreements and I get to know her better when she retorts "that's not me." But when I agree with her selection, there is ecstasy and in that state of mind my night is looking good.

So shopping with your wife though tiresome, is still a wonderful experience.

Enjoy your vacation!

Domestic Violence in Marriage

The courtship is one of the most exciting period of a relationship. If that is so, what goes wrong after that excitement?

Well believe it we are animals first and human beings after. When we allow instinct to nullify our reasoning, the trouble begins. What is instinct? the dictionary defines it as " a largely inherited and unadulterated tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to an environmental stimuli without reason." Yes, some of us in a marital relationship response to situation without reasoning. We just do not think of consequences of our actions. So we fight, cuss and shout at each other. When these actions continues our relationship is challenged and derailed.

We a husband strikes his wife, he is actually exhibiting a rage built on frustration in the marriage. He has lost all ability to amicably discuss the issue or problem in an intelliegent manner. He needs to be counselled in anger management. It is not unsual for women to be the abuser, but there are times that the abusive behaviour shows up and can be rather devastaing. She too is frustrated and has no other way of dealing with a submissive husband who has failed overtime to be a man. Submissiveness is an attempt to appease so as to avoid a confrontation, but what the submissive partner does not understand is that such behaviour gives the other partner a frightening measure of power.

Experts in domestic violence note that this behaviour is the possible result of an abusive situation in one of the partner childhood. Other causes of domestic violence is alcoholism or drug abuse, jealousy and poor self esteem.

WebMD in its mental health section, lists the following behaviours to look for in a relationship prone to domestic violence. Does your partner:

• Embarrass or belittle you or put you down?
• Say hurtful things to you?
• Dislike your friends and family and discourage your relationships with others?
• Make all the decisions in the relationship?
• Chastise you after social functions for talking with other people?
• Act jealous of people you talk to?
• Blame you for his or her mistakes?
• Try to make you feel worthless or helpless?
• Forbid or prevent you from working or going to school?
• Keep money, credit cards, and checking accounts away from you?
• Control access to your medicines or medical devices?
• Threaten to have you deported?
• Throw dishes or other objects?
• Abuse your children or pet when mad at you?
• Push, slap, kick, or otherwise assault you?
• Demand sex, make you perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, or sexually assault you?
  

While it is important to show love, you must first love yourself. If any of these behaviors are occurring, you need to seek help quickly.

NEXT : Shopping together

Sexual Relations in Marriage

1 Corinthians 7, verses 1-16 highlights the importance of marriage and gives advice on sexual relations in the marriage. St. Paul's view in this matter is that fornication must be avoided at all cost and the countervailing action man should take is to enter into marriage. I need not explain what will result, if either partner brings that practice into the marital relationship - adultery and all the other negative side effects of possible sexual diseases, divorce and stress are consequences of that practice. But what is more interesting about Paul's pronouncement is his view of the sexual relations in the marriage. The suggestion, as I understand, is that sex is inevitably a bonding aspect of the marriage, if neglected leads to lust and adultery, back to square one.

"Defraud ye not one the other, except it be consent of time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and pray; and come together again, that Satan tempts you not for incontinency."

In other words, partners should not make excuses, except for the times one dedicate to God in worship. Before the above statement, he state in verse 4 that " the wife hath no power of her body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath no power oh his body, but the wife."
No wonder why Jesus makes the point that "And they two shall be one flesh: so then they are no more two, but one flesh."

But despite all the sacred advice given about the sexual relations in marriage, partners have neglected an important dimension to their married life. The National Opinion Research Centre notes that every American couple have sex 66 times a year, put another way, out of 365 days only 18% of that time is spent having sex. Newsweek highlights the fact that 15 to 20% of couples have sex less that 10 times a year - that is considered to be a sexless marriage. The question is why is this so.

Couple get caught up in the daily routine, age brings physical conditions that become impediments and pressures of family life, particularly with young children. I have news for you, obstacles can be overcome with a measure of success. Here are a few suggestions to consider:

• Sex begins outside the bedroom. Make erotic suggestions to pave the way.
• Create the atmosphere-scented candles, satin sheets, soft music, etc.
  
• Act on your desires. Sex is not like an electric device that can be switched on and off at anytime, the emotions for sex is a result of your desires which can come at anytime and anywhere.
• Avoid routine, i.e. the same place, the same time and the same position. Do it in the car or the kitchen, if the desire meets you there.
  
• Foreplay is important, it revs up the engine
• Kiss deeply
  
• While it is important to increase the number of times for sex, it is not about the frequency, it is important to acheive quality.
• Be appreciative and do not criticize your partner for what was not done, but discuss the issue.
• Learn your partner's sexual zones and understand what gives satisfaction.
• Never be afraid to experiment.
  
• Re-examine your sex-life often.
• Remember sex leads to good health and relieves stress, but most of all it promotes a good and happy marital relationship.
  

Enjoy your marriage!

Can interracial marriages work?

Shakespare's Othella is an interesting play concerning an interracial marriage between Othella a Moorish husband and Desdomona his Venetian wife. The marriage ends in tragedy. What is shakespare's message?

Do interracial marriages work? There is no doubt that there is negative social pressure from some members of the society who argue for the pure race and still live in the past. Some have stated that love between interracial partnerships is not reciprocal. But the most ill informed statement comes from those who argue that black men marry white women to enhance their society status and upward mobility. What nonsense!

If you are in this form of exogamy, then I congratulate you for ignoring the negative statements and attitudes you and your partner experience on a dailly basis. What must be foremost in your mind is that love knows no skin colour. I will give you some support by highlighting the following behaviours, which I believe will strengthen the bond of love:

1. Ignore the comment and attitude displayed towards you. If you are an American have solace in the fact that 77% of American approve of marriages between black and whites.
2. Ignore those who say that the Bible does not approve of interracial marriage where reference if made to the "unequally yoke". Paul is advising of the problem that could arise in an intimate relationship with an unbeliever. It is not skin colour situation.
   
3. Never blame a behaviour of race by stereotyping.
4. Embrace your partner's culture.
   
5. Do not think or speak in racial terms.
6. Laugh when family members of your partner crack racial jokes, getting uptight only adds fuel to fire. Remember the saying, when you are married to a person you marry the whole family.
   
7. If you see yourselves as an odd couple, society will treat you as an odd couple.
8. Walk hand in hand for all to see that your marriage is filled with joy.

Do you have anymore pointers, make your comments.

Next SEX and MARRIAGE

Reader's Comments in Red

Can a younger woman and an older man with an age difference of ten years have a happy marriage or even more interesting question to be asked, can a younger man and an older woman with the same age difference marriage lasts. Some argue that in both situations the marriage will fail. Why?

I think that it has to do with the fact that as human beings when we aged our bodies are no longer attractive and in the case of a marriage, the older partner perceives him or herself as no longer an interesting proposition. The aches and pains begin to slow down the older partner, while the younger partner feels as though he or she is the night nurse. Hormonal changes also impacts quite heavily as women go through menopause and men andropause.

The other point worth discussing is sex. You see men as they age are likely to become less active in bed and could become frustrated if his hydraulics are not working. For the female as the older partner, she might complain of ware and tear. There is also the difference in individual interests which may also put a strain on the relationship. The younger person may still desire to be active and outgoing while the older person may be quite willing to relax at home.


In all the above cases, marriage is viewed as a physical attraction founded on infatuation and not love. I believe that age makes no difference, if love is the centre piece of the marriage and the vows taken are seen as the guiding principles, there should be no problem. Remember "for better or for worst." Well just in case, you are still dubious about the love thing, then do the following:

• eat healthly
• exercise regularly
• have annual medical checks
• keep the mind active
  
• make sure your financial position is secured
• be out goings
• socialize with the young and old
• dress well
• don't let your age bother you. Understand and prepare for 'old age' both mentally and physically
• recognise what you can change and what you cannot change
• accept each other

The negative of the above will inevitably result in partnership misery. Simply do the things to keep your marriage in a state of enjoyment. Laugh often. Enjoy life

Next Interracial Marriage