How do you know that your marriage and love is strong?

My wife and I always spent our vacations together, but this summer we could not get the time off from work at the same time. I had changed my job and that hindered my access to vacation at that time. So my wife traveled to our favorite destination, Florida to spend her vacation at a family member for two weeks. Those two weeks created a void in our lives. On reflection, I can emphatically state that our marriage and love for each other is strong.

I thought that the time was short until I realized that each day that we were apart felt like a  48-hour day and two weeks became a month in my mind. Emotionally, I felt that part of me was lost and such a feeling made me understood what "one flesh" means. Physically, I never got a good night's sleep. But things got better when I we communicated via the Internet, where we both saw and heard each other. I cannot tell the countless times we said " I love you".

Those weeks of separation showed us how we took each other for granted. We then decided that on our reunion that we would enrich our relationship even more by ensuring that each moment of togetherness be filled with joy. Those weeks made us evaluated our marriage and what each partner brought to the relationship, our value and the cost it would take to repair a marriage. In a strange sense, what appeared to be a dissapointment  to us became a blessing that help us to refocused and move our marriage to a higher emotional and spiritual level. At present, being married is more than a wonderful experience. May be all relationships need that break to be refreshed.

Love in not Lust

Do you know what is love? No husband or wife should have to ask this question.

You would not have gotten married, if you did not love your husband or wife. Oh Yea! If that's the case why are we having so many divorce cases? Why are many of us complaining of neglect? Why is there physical and emotional abuse in the marriage?

Next time you say "I love you", think of what you are saying because love is an important ingredient for the making of a lasting relationship in marriage. But what is love?

Love is a strong positive emotion of regard and affection. The word 'regard' means 'attention' or 'concern'. Therefore, when you tell your partner that you love him or her, you are actually saying that you will give the attention and show that high level of concern, which should not be cursory thing.

'Affection' refers to that tender attachment or fondness, which engenders an emotional feeling whenever you think of, hear or see the person. So in essence when you say, "I love you" you are actually committing yourself to be ever vigilant, that is, keeping a steadfast watch of the person's welfare and be unyielding in your tender loving care. Your feeling of attention, consideration and positive emotions should be of such that your partner receives positive vibes emanating from you to create a spiritual bond - one flesh!

Love is not a strong sexual desire. In marriage, sex should be based on love and must not be an inordinate craving for intercourse, but a vaginal embrace of the male organ that emphasizes a pure union of husband and wife, in which two are made one. In marriage, love knows no lust. The sexual feeling of the married couple is simple ineffable, a feeling that does not dissolve but gets stronger each time husband and wife engage a romantic experience. Real love does not subside or die. It is a fresh as the morning breeze.

Try to reach this height in your marriage.

The Agony of Forgetting the Birthday of Your Wife

What ever you do as a husband don't forget your wife's birthday.

I have forgotten my mother's birthday and was forgiven. My daughter called me to informed me that her birthday had gone and I had not called to say, happy birthday. I was forgiven. I forgot my wife's birthday and that was a criminal offence. I felt like crawling under a rock.

Funny how life in a marriage goes. As a husband, you mow the lawn, trim the hedges, and prune the bougainvillea and go through the torture of having the thorns tear the skin from your hands. You are the good husband. Nothing matters when a husband forgets his wife's birthday.

What excuse could I possibly give? The truth is that I spent the day writing job applications to exit my present job, which I dislike. Some time during the day I thought of my wife's birthday, yes it's tomorrow, 12 August. The whole working day had passed and I did not call to say "happy birthday babes!" I had forgotten my wife's birthday.

I decided not to go home early and 'limed' with my friends until I thought she had reached. I left the company of my friends and went home. My wife was at home and I did not act as though the day was special to her. I had forgotten my wife's birthday.

I realized, while at home that something does not seem right. I had forgotten my wife's birthday.

I changed my clothes and hurried to the near by mall to purchase her a birthday gift at 7pm. I pushed the door of the mobile phone dealer and while purchasing an expensive phone to replace the one which my wife complained about. I foolishly stated to the sales representative that the phone was a birthday gift for my wife and that prior to entering the store, I had forgotten my wife's birthday. The contorted facial expression of the sales representative indicated to me that forgetting your wif'e's birthday was not a wise act.

I returned home bearing two gifts and made another irresponsible statement, " Happy birthday" as I held my hand out expecting her to take the first gift with a smile.

"Put it there." she said without paying me any attention. Imagine me at 8:45pm on the night of my wife's birthday presenting her with gift as though the day had now begun.

When we went to bed, I could feel her disappointment and I knew that it would be unwise to touch her in any passionate way. So I simply apologized and hope that tomorrow I will not have to go through any reminders from her or any of my friends that I had forgotten my wife's birthday.

One thing is for certain, this birthday will never be forgotten. I may have to relive my insensitive act at every family gathering. I know someone will ask her tomorrow, how did she spend her birthday. I can feel the pain in her response.

So what ever you do as a husband never forget your wife's birthday. The birthday of you wife is special. Treat it that way, if you are to enhance your marital relationship. There will never be an excuse for forgetting, as long as you are of a sane mind.

A Wife's Freedom

Some husbands believe that the signing of the marriage certificate gives them the right to own their wives. Slavery has long been abolished and in today's world no woman should treated as though she was someone's property. The marriage contract is not a title deed.

I have seen husbands do everything to prevent their wives from going out with their friends or attending social events by themselves. The action of some husbands range from jealousy to physical abuse to create fear that results in their wives' refusal of invitations or opportunities to have an entertaining time; instead these wives who are controlled stay at home to allow peace to reign.

But do these jealous husbands realize that their lack of trust only drives their wives to engage the very adulterous behaviour, the same thing these husbands fear. The fact that a wife is at home, does not mean that she is not engaging in acts of adultery. A word of advice, if a woman wants to "horn" you there is nothing you can do to stop it. She will create a scheme to teach you a lesson. Why fit her so tightly? She already has enough underwears and surely does not want an uncomfortable one.

Men get "horn" because they irresponsible, unkind, insensitive, abusive and simply foolish. In response, the wives find comfort in those males or females who show them the interest and love their need. In conclusion, as husbands do the right things, honour your vows, and give your wife her freedom. There is an old saying - if you let a bird out of a cage and it returns to you, you are its rightful owner. If it flies away and never returns, you were never its owner in the first place.

A wife's freedom is important to a lasting relationship. Marriage is build on trust try to enhance it.

Emotional Intelligence and Your Marriage

When you understand your emotions and can read the emotions of your partner, your marital relationship will be enhanced. Understanding your emotions in relation to others is defined as emotional intelligence. There are five dimensions to this concept, which are:

• Self-awareness
• self-management
• self-motivation
• empathy
• social skills

The concept of emotional intelligence is used very often in management, and there is no reason why it should not apply to a marriage. The simple fact is that marriage is an institution that requires proper management. If you doubt me, try living with your partner without a plan for your future; without organizing yourselves, that is determining who should do what and who should make what decisions in family affairs; without establishing proper ways to communicate and resolve conflict, which we call leadership; and without being able to correct your faults. There must be control in the marriage when we deviate for our goals.

Emotional intelligence helps us to cope with the demands and pressures in the marriage as well as better understand the personalities involved. Let's begin with the self-awareness factor. As a husband or wife, you must know what your are feeling. Do you want to have sex instead of going to the movies and can you express those feelings so that your partner reads you correctly. How would any one know how your are feeling, if you don't know what the feeling is -them your are being miserable and should be left alone.

Self-management is the ability of a husband or wife to manage his or her emotions and impulses. Imagine being at home and your partner has a sudden outburst of cursing or your are at a party and your partner is ready to go home and impolitely stamps out the room because you delayed to have a brief conversation with a work colleague. Oh how embarrassing!

Marriage life is not always smooth running, sometimes the wheels of marriage get deflated and the bliss halts for a period. Some marriages are faced with a situation in which one of the partners is working three days a weeks, in these harsh economic times. Yes my friends, setbacks and failures are likely in a marriage, therefore one of you must have the ability to persist, that is, one of your must become self-motivated so as to inspire and bring life back into the marriage. And the two shall become one, remember!

Empathy is the ability to sense how others are feeling. When your partner is ill or depressed, you must be sensitive to his or her feelings, rather than ignore what he or she is experiencing.

Then there is the social skills - the ability to handle the emotions of others. All individuals are different because of their personalities. Therefore, do not expect that the friends of your partner to behave like yours. You too may have a perception of one of you partner's friends that may be a false perception. So please exhibit those social skills that make your partner feels comfortable in your home.

Emotional intelligence is a key factor in a marriage. It sets the foundation for a harmonious relationship.

Divorce is Painful

"And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?" (Matthew 19:5, King James version)

When I married at the age of twenty-two, I never understood the significant of that verse. Neither did I remain loyal to my vows during my first marriage.

I sat at my desk in a corporate office over twenty-five years ago, trying to determine what would an appropriate mark-up for one of the company's new agrochemicals. In my an exciting marketing mood, I evaluated various ideas and contemplated how I would defeat the competition. My concentration was interrupted by a telephone call at 10 am that day. I answered in a polite and dignified business voice. I thought I recognized the female voice and to be sure of myself, I said hello. The voice was my ex-wife who told me that she would not be at home.

" Where are you going?" I asked
" I just will not be at home anymore". She said

With haste I placed the telephone in its cradle and hurried through the office door without indicating to anyone of my staff members that I was leaving the office. I reached my house, which obviously was no longer a home. I saw evidence of a firm separation of the family. The bedroom was empty of her clothes, cutlery was reduced, leaving the bare essentials and some pieces of furniture was taken. The harsh reality had hit me. As I sat at the entrance to the living-room, tears race down my cheeks and I felt an emotional pain in my stomach. Then I realized that I was in love but did not cherish the lady whom I had married. A significant part of the flesh, that oneness had withered.

The years following was not easy. My mind became filled of the beautiful times we spent together. The recovery was painful and I became uncertain as to what I really wanted I my life. When the divorce was final, I knew I had to get on with my life. These are lessons I learned form the pain of divorce:

• Marriage is not to be taken likely.
• A matured mind is required for the responsibilities of marriage.
• Women appear to be more serious and committed to marriage than men. Men are late developers in the marriage institution.
  
• More than love is needed for marriage.
• It takes a long time to overcome a divorce.
• Be willing to admit your weaknesses and learn.
• See your former relationship as an passing experience.
  
• Avoid making the same mistakes in a new relationship.
• Take no baggage into the new relationship
• Divorce is simply a heart wrenching situation as should be avoided. Never place yourself in a position for a divorce.
  

The Characteristics of a Good Wife

I apologize to my readers for the lateness of this post on the qualities of a good wife, having written a post on the good husband many moons ago, I simply needed to conjure up in my mind the thoughts to enable me to highlight those qualities.

Before I declare my thoughts , I must refer to Aristotle's philosophical position of the circumstance that could create to opposite of a good wife. He opines that

A virtuous wife is best honored when she sees that her husband is faithful to her, and has no preference for another woman; but before all others loves and trusts her and holds her as his own. And so much the more will the woman seek to be what he accounts her. If she perceives that her husband's affection for her is faithful and righteous, she too will be faithful and righteous towards him. Therefore it befits not a man of sound mind to bestow his person promiscuously, or have random intercourse with women; for otherwise the base-born will share in the rights of his lawful children, and his wife will be robbed of her honor due, and shame be attached to his sons.
(The Politics & Economics of Aristotle, Edward English Walford & John Gillies, trans., (London: G. Bell & Sons, 1908).

My thoughts are as follows:

• A good wife is not a "yes" woman who agrees to everything or succumb to her husband's wishes just to please him or avoid a quarrel, but rather seeks to discuss the issues and find workable solutions that would allow her to manage the home better.
• A good wife is not commanding or demanding, but is persuasive in her actions to suggest succinctly what she requires her husband to do. She does not fret.
• A good wife engages her husband in conversations which informs her about his job, his friends, his favorite sport, his hobby and his troubles. No, she in not officious, but seeks to know what is going on in her husband's life. She does not distance herself.
• Proverbs 14:1 gives another dimension to what makes a good wife. Yes, a good wife seeks spiritual guidance.
  
• A good wife is a loving parent.
• A good wife has a sense of humor.
  
• A good wife is a satisfying lover who is not afraid to express her emotions to her husband.

If I have omitted a vital characteristic, drop me your comments for the many wives who read this blog . We need to know.

Sharing the Marriage Debt

There was a time when the husband was the bread winner in the missionary, lost and Gi generations, but since women asserted themselves influenced by the feminist movement and the call for equal rights among some of the Baby Boomers and certainly the Generation X, the role of the wife has changed. The working mun and the professional woman has emerged and are demanding equality in the home and their independence. Some husbands cannot handle the sharing of authority and responsibility. Conversely, some husbands are also insisting that burden of house responsibilities, especially in the area of finance should not be placed on their shoulders alone. How does this thinking affect the marriage?.

Let us discuss the financial management of the marriage and the family. There is a misconception that love will keep a marriage bonded. Oh yea! Among the Baby Boomers who have redefine old age, accept change and are anti-authority, such thinking is outdated.The Generation X who accept diversity, reject rules and who are users of technology have taken time to develop their careers by delaying marriage. Therefore, the love only thing will not cut it, given the lifestyle of this group. Hence, financial management and decision-making become key features in the marriage.

What then is the best way of dealing with the financial issues of the marriage? Here are some ideas:

1. Discuss whether there will be a joint bank account. Some persons may want to maintain a level of independence within the marriage and may accept the idea of a joint-account, but keep his or her separate account while making contribution to the joint account. The joint- account should be used a saving account to finance mortages, house repairs, groceries, travel, children education, medical and emergencies.
   
2. Know what is the total income of the family, as this would allow the pursuance of large projects, for example the purchasing of real estate.
3. Each partner needs to establish a budget and determine what each will contribute to the joint account. Equal amounts could be made, if salaries are on par; but where there is disparity, a formula could be used, for example if the either partner is earning 60% of the family income, then that partner could contribute 60% of the agreed monthy savings for the joint account and the other 40%.
   
4. Determine who pay what utility bills.
5. The grocery bill should result from a decision on what sum should be spent. This could be an expense paid from the joint-account, or the partner who earns the most takes this responsiblity, with the other partner handling the incidentals.
   
6. Discuss all finacial matters.

Once the above guidelines are accepted the marriage should be on a strong financial footing and right on track for a lasting marital relationship.

Have fun at the table.

The Staleness of Marriage

Can marriage engender a feeling of ennui and become stale? I believe it can and when it happens one must dig deep in one's resolve to find a way out. But what causes boredom in marriage or even leads to a depressed state of mind? I sense that it begins when the marriage is taken for granted and the things and activities which one once shared and enjoyed are dissipating with the realization that eventually those very things and activities will be no more. It is then one becomes bore and frustrated. It is at this point that the marriage thread is at its weakest and either partner can become vulnerable.

Boredom in marriage also occurs when one partner thinks that everything is alright and feels comfortable without contemplating that the other partner needs his or her undivided attention. Surprisingly, that partner becomes lonely inside the marriage. Yes, marriages do go through some emotional tensions that can be worrisome to either partner. It takes a keen observer with the emotional intelligence to spot when something is wrong and search the soul of their partner to understand what is going on. One must hear the cry for help before its too late.

Communication now becomes the key to unlocking that introverted type personality in one's partner. A husband and a wife must always talk with each other and express their innermost feelings. Real communication occurs when the message sent by the emotional distraught partner is received and sensitivity exhibited by receiving partner in dealing with the emotions of one's better half.

To the readers of this blog, be aware that a marriage can easily become stale and boring. The funny thing about it is that some couples do not realise when complacency has taken over a marriage. Here are a few signs:

• When television replaces lively conversations between husband and wife.
• When one partner suddenly spends more time with friends or find refuge in the neighbour's home.
• When the activities one shared cease to exist or are minimized.
• When the wife bedroom apparel is unappealing.
• When the husband fails to romance his wife.
  
• When one partner becomes bored and cannot decide what to do.
• When drinking or smoking becomes intense
• When one partner splurges.
• When no one cares.
  

Be observant and show more than a cursory interest to your partner's behaviour and be quick to rid your marriage of any staleness that creeps in from time to time. Keep the flame burning.

Prayer and Marriage

There is no doubt the marriage is a significant institution which must not be taken lightly. Hebrews 13: 4-5 (NIV):
⁴Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. ⁵Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."

Verse 5 suggests to all married couples that they must put their trust in the Almighty to help them overcome the difficulties in their marriage.

My wife and I pray together very often, especially early in the morning. In those quiet times when we kneel on either side of the bed and face each other, I begin to feel a strengthening of the bond of our love as we raise our voices to the Heavenly Father. We pray for almost every thing. We simply ask God for the simple things according to our needs and wait patiently for his instructions.We first thank God for allowing us to rise and experience the beginning of our lives together for that day and for the safe return to our home, when the day's work is done. It is a wonderful feeling to embrace each other after prayers. We actually feel God's blessings on our marriage.

So what is the result? Disagreements are settled amicably and we never go to bed vexed. There is a great sense of peace and joy in our partnership. We have found that with God's help and support we are able to rid ourselves of the anxiety and temptations. Commitment and loyalty enhance what our rings symbolize, as a result we wear our rings with pride to signify that loyalty, commitment and love.

A marriage needs prayers and the discernment to engender the spiritual dimension of a lasting relationship. That spirituality also creates a sense of purpose, which unintentionally makes us role models to our friends and family members who see our marriage as successful. What's the secret? There is no secret, there is a formula in the equation of a peaceful and joyous marriage:

God + husband+wife = Loving marriage
G+H=W=LM

Mark 11:23-25 (NIV) advises us how we should pray and the results of praying:
²³"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. ²⁴Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. ²⁵And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

I can testify that pray really works in building a lasting relationship in one's marriage.

Try it.

Mother-in-law, the Sin of a Happy Marriage

While I have never experienced the indignity of a mother-in-law, there are many married couples who have been bothered by such an experience. The many quotations suggest that the mother-in-law is as an inherited challenge. The Japanese warn that married couples should "never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of the mother-in-law." H.L.Mencken (1880-1956) informs that "conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends." and Ernest Coquelin declares that " I know of a mother-in-law who sleeps with her glasses on, the better to see her son-in-law in her dreams." These excerpts speaks of mothers-in-law as an unwanted species.

I believe that a mother-in-law sees her son or daughter as their "baby" who has been given to someone she does not entirely know, someone whose word will be taken before hers and in some cases she will be the third party to know what is going with her son or daughter, hence the inquisitiveness. Therefore, mothers-in-law clutch on to any opportunity to be an influencing factor in an apparent forbidden situation.

To avoid the interference of mothers-in-law, I believe that at the planning stages of the wedding mothers should not be foremost in the planning process or advisors, but should be required only when needed. When mothers are called on to be the decision-makers, it is an invitation for them to be forthright and to involve themselves in every aspect of the marriage. No son or daughter at this stage should show such low levels of immaturity to allow and yield to mother's directives. If situations like this occurs, them Mencken's words are apt.

Mothers-in-law do not have to be the sin of a marriage. Keep your mother-in-law out of your marital affairs. Involve them only when necessary. If you do this your will be able to welcome the smile of your mother-in-law and no repeat the words of the anonymous person "happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's picture on the back on the milk carton.

The Obama Marriage Principle

The Obamas' marriage principle in this blog defines the happiness of a married couple and speaks volumes about a satisfied relationship between a man and woman. Even in public, the bliss of marriage is exemplified. It is this aura that all marriages should reflex. It is that character that becomes the trade mark by which friends, family and acquantances admire and try to imitate.

To achieve the Obamas marriage principle one must first hold fast to the vows taken no matter what and have respect for each other in public. Therefore, a matter that creates differences of opinion should not be turned into a public spectacle that brings shame to the family. Wait until you reach home and deal with the matter. Always exhibit a sense of decorum in public. Chauvinism must never be hinted by the husband, but rather an exhibition of the social graces that make the wife proud to be treated as nothing less than a lady.

The holding of hands in public expresses the warmth of the union. When a husband or wife walks way ahead of each other, it depicts some element of discord in their relationship, regardless of how slight is the discord. The closeness of being side by side engenders cordial conversations, jovial behaviour and a mood that speaks to the high level of comfort felt in each other's presence. All of this augurs well for a lasting marriage.

Enjoy each other's company in public. Have fun!

Marriage Starts Every Morning

The kiss on the wedding day is believed to be the point at which your souls are connected - the two becoming one.

As a husband, I find that marriage begins each morning. What happened last night has nothing to do with the new day, for example a husband and wife go to bed in a state of estacy and as soon as they step out of bed, there is something in the house that trips them off. The husband forgot a dirty cup in the sink the night before and draws the response " what's wrong with you". The furore begins and in the indignation she does not stop to think about the love affair last night. That was expected.

My friends, before you put your feet on the floor the morning after. Kiss your wife on her eyelids and whisper in her ears how much you love here. Give her a love slap, you know where. Let her interpret what that was all about. The dirty cup in the sink will draw the response "only my husband" and the shaking of the head in a pitiable manner. You may want to apologize, if your action or habit is drawn to your attention. Remember that your wife is the tender soul, the affectionate part of you and must be treated with kindness.

Take time out to make your wife's breakfast or have a breakfast date and do not leave without giving her a kiss and wishing her a good day. In this mood, as you drive to work you will observe the bougainvillea in bloom. Strange how a man's world becomes meaningful, when he pays attention to the flower in his life.

Marriage needs a booster each new day.

Kissing, The Marriage Enchancer

Kissing is in a marriage is like spreading margarine on one's bread to moisten and make it taste better. There are many reasons why people kiss. people kiss to greet, to pay respect, and to bid farewell. People kiss on the hand, the cheeks and the lips. Russians kiss three times, Italians kiss twice and Mexican once when greeting each other. However, kissing in the marital situation symbolizes a greater measure of affection. On the wedding day, the bride and groom kiss not to uphold the western culture of weddings, but to exchange their souls, so it is thought. The two should become one.

The French kiss, which is a passionate pressing of the lips and the caressing of the tongues expresses a sexual desire. Some believe that the frequency of kissing in a marital relationship reduces stress, increases satisfaction and surprisingly lowers the cholesterol levels. From this perspective, kissing is definitely a practice married couple should strive for and increase the frequency level. Kissing is one of those marital activities that will certainly enchance the marriage, moisten it and make things taste better.

For further information of the French style of kissing check out http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss.

When Children are Obstacles to a Marriage

Young marriages are usually exciting and blissful and should remain that way. Marriage is also the ideal institution for establishing a family. The truth is, some couples see children as an inconvenience to their sexual relationship and their careers and would do everything possible to delay any addition(s). Therefore in this scenario, a child is viewed as an obstacle and the second a disaster, which ultimately leads to the marital foundation showing cracks from emotional stress. Emotional stress results when either partner or both begin to conjure up thoughts in the mind of how he or she will now survive and not live life.

On the other hand, those partners who view marriage as the corners stone of enhancing the family will be overjoyed at the announcement of a pregnancy. The love is now extended unselfishly to the new born. There is no emotional stress because the new born is seen as a gift and a fruit of marriage. Children in this scenario are not an inconvenience or an obstacle, but rather a purpose for bonding the marriage and enhancing the relationship.

If you are in your second marriage and over 40 years old, a child may be an interesting proposition. Therefore, partners in this situation need to communicate their feelings on any additions to the family, but what happens if a child is on its way when plans for retirement are in trend. There are some biological facts concerning partners who are thinking of having a baby at the age of 40 and older. The Southern California Centre for Reproductive Medicine states that "Estimates from embryo biopsy reveal that at least 90% of a woman’s eggs are genetically abnormal when a woman is over 40. This is explains the increased pregnancy risk over 40. The miscarriage rate is 33% at age 40. Genetically abnormal pregnancies are more common as well with an incidence of 1/38 at age 40." If you are 40 and over, think carefully. Consult your doctor and have the various test done.

Does a child hinder or enhance your marriage?

The bliss of marriage and lead a new born. If you begin to think your baby as an inconvenience then you

The Significance of the Wedding Ring

It is believed that the wedding ring dates back to the time of the Egyptians and was later adopted by the Greeks and Romans. However, in the eleventh century the wedding ring received significant ecclesiastical sanction, eventhough there is no reference to it in the Bible.

And what about the the placement of the ring on the third finger of the left hand? This practice is the result of the Egyptians believing that there was a vein called the amoris that led from the third finger to the heart. There is no such vein, but the thought of being committed in the heart is a noble marital ideal.

The wedding ring symbolizes a partnership that cannot be broken,one of endlessness. Married couples should wear their ring with love and pride, and not for adornment to show off to the world. Remember that marriage is practised in the home where each partner demostrates committment, support and love.

The Financial Aspect of Marriage

No money, no love!
Not a surprising statement if your marriage is not on a sound financial basis. No marriage can exist on strictly love and sex. Although love is a key corner stone of the institution, matters of finance must be addressed in a serious manner. It's a partnership and there must be decision-making relating to who pays what. A marriage is similar to a business, it must be financed, if the partners are to enjoy the comforts and live without bickering about who is irresponsible. What should be done?

• Sit down at the table and prepare individual budgets and together discuss each line item in the individual budgets.
• Determine which bills should be paid by whom.
• Major investments must be carefully discussed, e.g. mortgage - probably go 50/50 on this investment, with compromises on the other bills.
• Have a partnership account for handling emergencies, repairs or vacations - 50/50 monthly contributions are ideal.
• There is nothing wrong with separate bank accounts, but be prepared to give information when necessary. If you know that you do not want to reveal financial information, marriage is not for you. Hesitation will definitely create issues of trust.
  

These basic approaches to home management will guarantee both partners a comfortable relationship without the worry and fighting that is likely to enter the marriage.
A strong financial partnership paves the way for love.

The Foolishness of Sex in Marriage

Cheating and Your Marriage

To be sexually unfaithful is probably the only reasonable action for a man or a woman, when a marriage is in shambles. It is not. Your are cheating on your partner and no excuse can explain your action. The fact is that the animal instinct in you have become more eminent than rational thinking and you are prone to becomes sexually attracted to another person.

The process of cheating is as follows:

1. Flirting
2. Fantasizing
3. Marking the approach
4. Arranging a date
5. Committing adultery
   
6. Formulating an excuse

Flirting is showing a third party outside the marital relationship a casual interest, though amorously, the intent at this stage is superficial. If your flirtatious behaviour continues fantasizing grips you and you begin to think of the person's sexual attributes. To get closer to the third person you take the initiative and make the approach ever growing deeper in infatuation and building enough confidence to arrange the date. This date sets the atmosphere for the dangerous act of committing adultery. The dice is cast and you begin to formulate the most reasonable excuse to explain your action should you be caught. In most cases you are suspected and then caught. Now a decision has to be made by the innocent partner, that is to forgive or end the relationship.

Can the marriage last, given the deceitful action of the offending partner? Yes it can, but remember your partner will suffer the pain for a long time. You must admit that your action was inconsiderate and ask to be forgiven, but understand that the memories of your infidelity will not be erased by the innocent because you have admitted your fault. There will be flashbacks and trauma. Being the offending partner you must be patient.

How to avoid cheating

• To avoid the act of adultery, simply do not flirt with your work colleague, friend or stranger or encourage it.
  
• Always mention some positive aspect of your marriage or partner in conversations at work or in any social setting
• Do not discuss issues of your marriage with the opposite sex whether at work or in a social setting.
• Avoid going to places alone in which the atmosphere provides a romanic setting.

Say something nice about your wife or husband today.

Are you the right person for your mate?

Are you the right person for your mate? If you are asking this question now in your marriage, you may be a bit too late.

The question of compatibility is a valid one, which dates back to the Bible under the concept of "evenly yoked". How do you know that you and your partner are evenly yoked? Is it a matter of marrying a person with the same religious beliefs? In the real world there are couples who met each other while worshiping in the same church got married in the same church and got divorce through the judicial system. One that other hand, there are situations where one person is a member of a church and the other is a non-member and their married is working well. There are situations where some "non-church goers" have bad marriages and other in this group have good marriages. So where's the beef!

I my opinion its is not about who is in the church, surely this will help couples to establish the foundation for a good marriage, if both partners adhere to the Christian principles. I believe that the essence of compatibility is simple living with your partner in a relationship without too many disagreements, that is, being on the same page. You are compatible when these things occur continuously"

• You laugh at the same things and yourselves
  
• There is agreement, without coercion, on payment of the bills, saving, spending and other financial issues.
• Decision-making is a consequence of amicable discussion and compromise and not quarrel.
• The shortcomings of one partner is strengthened by the other.
  
• Honesty predominates all facets of the relationship.
• Illness is not seen as an inconvenience by one partner, but as an opportunity to show one's affection.
• Vacations are planned to re-energize the relationship.
• Sex is an enjoyable experience and not a obligation.
• Children are the responsibility of both and a hindrance of one.
• Worship is practised by both.
• A partner's space is allowed.

You will never know of your compatibility status by reading your horoscope or doing some compatibility test. The evidence of a compatibility match is revealed at the time of courtship and in the first year of marriage, which may be too late. Marriage is not an institution to be hastily pursued.

Divorce Ain't Cutting it!

I have heard many men expressed the idea the marriage should be a five-year contract and renewable, if so desired. It seems as thought these few individuals would seek to create a movement to have a national referendum for a five-year marriage contract. Is it that the bliss evaporates after a period of five years?

Divorce is defined as a final legal dissolution of a marriage, that is, that
separation of husband and wife which confers on the parties the right to remarriage under civil, religious and/or other provisions, according to the laws of each country (UN Demographics Yearbook 2006). The termination of a marriage is simply divorce, which is gaining popularity. In the University of Maryland's graph below the trend shows that since the 1950s the divorce activity continues to rise in the USA, while marriages for the same period continue to decline.

Country	Divorce Rate (per 1,000 population per year)
Maldives Guam Belarus Russia United States Ukraine Puerto Rico Cuba Estonia Czech Republic Lithuania Switzerland Finland Denmark Moldova New Zealand United Kingdom Australia Belgium Latvia Sweden Austria Hungary Kazakhstan Germany Luxembourg Canada Norway South Korea Netherlands Costa Rica Uruguay France Hong Kong Japan Portugal Iceland Cyprus Slovakia Kuwait Israel Romania Bahamas Singapore Bahrein Bulgaria Kyrgyzstan Surinam Jordan Barbados Egypt Dominican Republic Poland Slovenia Turkmenistan Tunisia Trinidad and Tobago Qatar Greece Yugoslavia Spain Thailand Mauritius United Arab Emirates South Africa Croatia Venezuela China Ecuador Syria Brunei Macedonia Azerbaijan Iran Macau SAR Panama Uzbekistan Italy Albania Brazil Belize Jamaica Turkey El Salvador Mexico Chile Bosnia and Herzegovina Georgia Mongolia Armenia Libya Sri Lanka Guatemala	10.97 4.34 4.3 4.3 4.1 4 3.82 3.54 3.1 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.7 2.7 2.7 2.65 2.6 2.6 2.6 2.6 2.4 2.4 2.4 2.35 2.3 2.3 2.28 2.2 2.12 2.1 2.04 2.01 2 1.96 1.92 1.9 1.9 1.7 1.7 1.58 1.56 1.4 1.37 1.31 1.31 1.3 1.3 1.23 1.22 1.21 1.18 1.17 1.1 1.1 1.1 1.04 1 0.97 0.9 0.9 0.9 0.9 0.87 0.87 0.81 0.8 0.79 0.79 0.73 0.73 0.72 0.7 0.7 0.69 0.65 0.65 0.61 0.6 0.6 0.6 0.58 0.55 0.5 0.49 0.48 0.42 0.4 0.4 0.38 0.3 0.24 0.15 0.13
(Source: Americans for Divorce Reform)

The above 2002 data taken from Divorce Magazine.com (http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsWorld.shtml) show that the divorce disease is everywhere. What then are the causes?

Many marriages terminate as a result of the following:

• Failure to communication on issues and problem
• Various form of abuse-domestic violence, drugs and alcohol
• Marital infidelity
• Sexual problems
• Financial issue
  
• incompatibility
• trouble with in laws (monster-in-law)
• different opinions
• religious belief
• issues relating to children
• falling out of love

If your marriage is bothered by any of the above, take action by first discussing the problem or issue. if there is no resolution seek a reliable third party's involvement. Reconciliation may take time and forgiveness is necessary.

Take care.

How do you know divorce is coming your way?

				b
				Divorce Rates: International Comparisons

Shopping with My Wife

Many men would dread the idea or the possibility to go shopping with their wives on a vacation. For some it engenders ennui that makes them feel to shop for themselves is a painful experience. Let's face it, women are extraordinary in their shopping habits and practices. For instance, a woman would enter a shop at one end of a mall to purchase a blouse and find one that fits, it is the style she wants, and the right price; but will proceed until she reaches the upper end entering each shop along the way inspecting various styles with intent. Then she makes her mind up and returns to the shop at the lower end and purchases the blouse, which she saw first. That whole expedition would probably take two hours. But that's not what she came to the mall for!

Men on the other hand, sees what he likes and makes the purchase. His energy is conserved, but he pays more.

As a husband, you must have the guts to shop with your wife and make no comments, even if it takes hours to look for Ross and stand in the isle tired holding her hand bag looking like a tire old lady. So where is the joy, if any!

Despite all the fatigue, I still find shopping with my wife a heartwarming experience, which cements the bond between us. You see, I am participating in what she likes to do best and in a strange way spending quality time with hers. I have given up what I like doing on an overseas vacations, that is drinking beer and enjoying a good movie to be the sounding board for her. What's more I admire her when she tries on a dress or a pair of pants and calls me to watch her model the potential purchase outside the fitting rooms. Sometimes there are disagreements and I get to know her better when she retorts "that's not me." But when I agree with her selection, there is ecstasy and in that state of mind my night is looking good.

So shopping with your wife though tiresome, is still a wonderful experience.

Enjoy your vacation!

Domestic Violence in Marriage

The courtship is one of the most exciting period of a relationship. If that is so, what goes wrong after that excitement?

Well believe it we are animals first and human beings after. When we allow instinct to nullify our reasoning, the trouble begins. What is instinct? the dictionary defines it as " a largely inherited and unadulterated tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to an environmental stimuli without reason." Yes, some of us in a marital relationship response to situation without reasoning. We just do not think of consequences of our actions. So we fight, cuss and shout at each other. When these actions continues our relationship is challenged and derailed.

We a husband strikes his wife, he is actually exhibiting a rage built on frustration in the marriage. He has lost all ability to amicably discuss the issue or problem in an intelliegent manner. He needs to be counselled in anger management. It is not unsual for women to be the abuser, but there are times that the abusive behaviour shows up and can be rather devastaing. She too is frustrated and has no other way of dealing with a submissive husband who has failed overtime to be a man. Submissiveness is an attempt to appease so as to avoid a confrontation, but what the submissive partner does not understand is that such behaviour gives the other partner a frightening measure of power.

Experts in domestic violence note that this behaviour is the possible result of an abusive situation in one of the partner childhood. Other causes of domestic violence is alcoholism or drug abuse, jealousy and poor self esteem.

WebMD in its mental health section, lists the following behaviours to look for in a relationship prone to domestic violence. Does your partner:

• Embarrass or belittle you or put you down?
• Say hurtful things to you?
• Dislike your friends and family and discourage your relationships with others?
• Make all the decisions in the relationship?
• Chastise you after social functions for talking with other people?
• Act jealous of people you talk to?
• Blame you for his or her mistakes?
• Try to make you feel worthless or helpless?
• Forbid or prevent you from working or going to school?
• Keep money, credit cards, and checking accounts away from you?
• Control access to your medicines or medical devices?
• Threaten to have you deported?
• Throw dishes or other objects?
• Abuse your children or pet when mad at you?
• Push, slap, kick, or otherwise assault you?
• Demand sex, make you perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, or sexually assault you?
  

While it is important to show love, you must first love yourself. If any of these behaviors are occurring, you need to seek help quickly.

NEXT : Shopping together

Sexual Relations in Marriage

1 Corinthians 7, verses 1-16 highlights the importance of marriage and gives advice on sexual relations in the marriage. St. Paul's view in this matter is that fornication must be avoided at all cost and the countervailing action man should take is to enter into marriage. I need not explain what will result, if either partner brings that practice into the marital relationship - adultery and all the other negative side effects of possible sexual diseases, divorce and stress are consequences of that practice. But what is more interesting about Paul's pronouncement is his view of the sexual relations in the marriage. The suggestion, as I understand, is that sex is inevitably a bonding aspect of the marriage, if neglected leads to lust and adultery, back to square one.

"Defraud ye not one the other, except it be consent of time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and pray; and come together again, that Satan tempts you not for incontinency."

In other words, partners should not make excuses, except for the times one dedicate to God in worship. Before the above statement, he state in verse 4 that " the wife hath no power of her body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath no power oh his body, but the wife."
No wonder why Jesus makes the point that "And they two shall be one flesh: so then they are no more two, but one flesh."

But despite all the sacred advice given about the sexual relations in marriage, partners have neglected an important dimension to their married life. The National Opinion Research Centre notes that every American couple have sex 66 times a year, put another way, out of 365 days only 18% of that time is spent having sex. Newsweek highlights the fact that 15 to 20% of couples have sex less that 10 times a year - that is considered to be a sexless marriage. The question is why is this so.

Couple get caught up in the daily routine, age brings physical conditions that become impediments and pressures of family life, particularly with young children. I have news for you, obstacles can be overcome with a measure of success. Here are a few suggestions to consider:

• Sex begins outside the bedroom. Make erotic suggestions to pave the way.
• Create the atmosphere-scented candles, satin sheets, soft music, etc.
  
• Act on your desires. Sex is not like an electric device that can be switched on and off at anytime, the emotions for sex is a result of your desires which can come at anytime and anywhere.
• Avoid routine, i.e. the same place, the same time and the same position. Do it in the car or the kitchen, if the desire meets you there.
  
• Foreplay is important, it revs up the engine
• Kiss deeply
  
• While it is important to increase the number of times for sex, it is not about the frequency, it is important to acheive quality.
• Be appreciative and do not criticize your partner for what was not done, but discuss the issue.
• Learn your partner's sexual zones and understand what gives satisfaction.
• Never be afraid to experiment.
  
• Re-examine your sex-life often.
• Remember sex leads to good health and relieves stress, but most of all it promotes a good and happy marital relationship.
  

Enjoy your marriage!

Can interracial marriages work?

Shakespare's Othella is an interesting play concerning an interracial marriage between Othella a Moorish husband and Desdomona his Venetian wife. The marriage ends in tragedy. What is shakespare's message?

Do interracial marriages work? There is no doubt that there is negative social pressure from some members of the society who argue for the pure race and still live in the past. Some have stated that love between interracial partnerships is not reciprocal. But the most ill informed statement comes from those who argue that black men marry white women to enhance their society status and upward mobility. What nonsense!

If you are in this form of exogamy, then I congratulate you for ignoring the negative statements and attitudes you and your partner experience on a dailly basis. What must be foremost in your mind is that love knows no skin colour. I will give you some support by highlighting the following behaviours, which I believe will strengthen the bond of love:

1. Ignore the comment and attitude displayed towards you. If you are an American have solace in the fact that 77% of American approve of marriages between black and whites.
2. Ignore those who say that the Bible does not approve of interracial marriage where reference if made to the "unequally yoke". Paul is advising of the problem that could arise in an intimate relationship with an unbeliever. It is not skin colour situation.
   
3. Never blame a behaviour of race by stereotyping.
4. Embrace your partner's culture.
   
5. Do not think or speak in racial terms.
6. Laugh when family members of your partner crack racial jokes, getting uptight only adds fuel to fire. Remember the saying, when you are married to a person you marry the whole family.
   
7. If you see yourselves as an odd couple, society will treat you as an odd couple.
8. Walk hand in hand for all to see that your marriage is filled with joy.

Do you have anymore pointers, make your comments.

Next SEX and MARRIAGE

Reader's Comments in Red

Can a younger woman and an older man with an age difference of ten years have a happy marriage or even more interesting question to be asked, can a younger man and an older woman with the same age difference marriage lasts. Some argue that in both situations the marriage will fail. Why?

I think that it has to do with the fact that as human beings when we aged our bodies are no longer attractive and in the case of a marriage, the older partner perceives him or herself as no longer an interesting proposition. The aches and pains begin to slow down the older partner, while the younger partner feels as though he or she is the night nurse. Hormonal changes also impacts quite heavily as women go through menopause and men andropause.

The other point worth discussing is sex. You see men as they age are likely to become less active in bed and could become frustrated if his hydraulics are not working. For the female as the older partner, she might complain of ware and tear. There is also the difference in individual interests which may also put a strain on the relationship. The younger person may still desire to be active and outgoing while the older person may be quite willing to relax at home.


In all the above cases, marriage is viewed as a physical attraction founded on infatuation and not love. I believe that age makes no difference, if love is the centre piece of the marriage and the vows taken are seen as the guiding principles, there should be no problem. Remember "for better or for worst." Well just in case, you are still dubious about the love thing, then do the following:

• eat healthly
• exercise regularly
• have annual medical checks
• keep the mind active
  
• make sure your financial position is secured
• be out goings
• socialize with the young and old
• dress well
• don't let your age bother you. Understand and prepare for 'old age' both mentally and physically
• recognise what you can change and what you cannot change
• accept each other

The negative of the above will inevitably result in partnership misery. Simply do the things to keep your marriage in a state of enjoyment. Laugh often. Enjoy life

Next Interracial Marriage

Age Difference and Marriage

Can a younger woman and an older man with an age difference of ten years have a happy marriage or even more interesting question to be asked, can a younger man and an older woman with the same age difference marriage lasts. Some argue that in both situations the marriage will fail. Why?

I think that it has to do with the fact that as human beings when we aged our bodies are no longer attractive and in the case of a marriage, the older partner perceives him or herself as no longer an interesting proposition. The aches and pains begin to slow down the older partner, while the younger partner feels as though he or she is the night nurse.

The other point worth discussing is sex. You see men as they age are likely to become less active in bed and could become frustrated if his hydraulics are not working. For the female as the older partner, she might complain of ware and tear.

in all the above cases, marriage is viewed as a physical attraction founded on infatuation and not love. I believe that age makes no difference, if love is the centre piece of the marriage and the vows taken are seen as the guiding principles, there should be no problem. Remember "for better or for worst." Well just in case, you are still dubious about the love thing, then do the following:

• eat healthly
• exercise regularly
• have annual medical checks
• keep the mind active
  
• make sure your financial position is secured
• be out goings
• socialize with the young and old
• dress well
• don't let your age bother you

The negative of the above will inevitably result in partnership misery. Simply do the things to keep your marriage in a state of enjoyment.

What do you think? Drop me a line.

Relationship Misery

As I stated in my previous blog, courtship teaches us lessons that we ignore and despite everything, we still cohabitate and live through the experiences of one partner bickering about the same old habits brought into the relationship by the other partner. Misery then raises it head.

Relationship misery is the consequence of many behaviours, here are a few examples:

1. Men dropping their shoes and pieces of clothing all over the house.
2. Men when urinating spray the toilet seat with particles of urine.
   
3. Incorrectly placing a roll of toilet paper with the loose end hanging to the front.
4. Women using the same old excuse to get away from sex.
5. Women spending what they do not have and running up high credit card debt.

Have you every noticed that almost immediately after sex, one partner will find something to fret about, which does not relate to the previous act of intimacy? There are many more acts of relationship misery, some can be termed misdemeanours, some are serious crime against the relationship. The more serious, the more miserable the partners.

The point is that partners differ in personalities and will at times perceive situation differently. Here's a simply remedy. When there is a complaint or you are blame for an act. if you are at fault, simply say "sorry babes". Just do not try to explain or justify your action. In the heat of the moment, partners will react.

Simple isn't it!

LOOK OUT FOR AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PARTNERS

What makes a Good Husband

What is a good husband or a good partner? I asked myself as I listened carefully to some frustrated female friends, but more so when I hear the comments of some of my male friends or observe their stubborn behaviour.

Some women pray for good husbands. Some envy other women and wish they had good husbands. Some cry shame of the personas they have before them. Some try to make their men into a good husbands or partners. The fact is that a good husband emerges from within the man, very often after some soul searching in a morose situation or from the day to day experiences of living together with his partner.

Having gone through the experience of a failed marriage, I have learned my lesson well and now enjoy the BLISS of my present marriage. My feeling of happiness is often expressed in soliloquies when I say in these personal discourses that I am a good husband. What makes a good husband? I believe that I can answer the question for any women who is presently in an intimate relationship.

1. Foremost, a good husband loves his wife eternally.
2. A good husband takes his financial obligations of the relationship, once there is agreement, seriously and unconditionally. Remember the West Indian maxim "no money, no love."
3. A good husband spends quality time with his wife, at least once a week.
4. A good husband raises issues and problems, which are most likely to become impediments to the relationship and presses for amicable resolutions.
5. A good husband relieves his wife of the drudgery of household chores by helping. Watching television as her perspiration drips from the forehead only frustrates and deserves "NO" as a response to the partner's question when he is in an anxious mood.
6. A good husband upholds his marriage vows, wearing his ring as a symbol of his commitment and love.
7. A good husband views sex as sacred bonding and not as a stamina of passion to be exhibited. If this is the belief, the time spent will be gratifying and will of measurable significance.
8. A good husband exhibits maturity in all endeavours, as well as emotional intelligence.
9. A good husband gives his wife her space.
10. A good husband knells with his wife in God's presence.
11. A good husband leaves the house when he is angry to avoid a cantankerous discourse, but returns to deal with the situation in a controlled manner.
12. A good husband listens well and knows when to speak and what should be said.

Yes it is possible get a good husband and they still exist, but it takes time and many mistakes in a situation of cohabitation or marriage. Women must have some patience. The mistake often is made in courtship,when messages are sent, but those messages are ignored only to find oneself in an intimate relation, then marriage and some women never deal with the issue. Men are not dough.